What I Might Already Have
by From Her Ashes
Summary: The first in the "Games in the Mind" series. Heero overhears a conversation... and it begins. Shounen-ai


I don't own the Gundam Boys.  The song at the very top belongs to Savage Garden.  The lyrics throughout are from the song "Top" by Live

_I never thought I'd change my opinion again  
But you moved me in a way that I've never known  
You moved me in a way that I've never known_

What I Might Already Have  
By Deathswings- Lucretia@jenovaproject.com 

Heero walked down the hall towards his room. They were sure to get a new mission today and he couldn't wait to get out of here. Duo and he had been getting progressively closer, and Heero wasn't sure if he really wanted that. It would have been all too easy to admit that he loved the brown haired boy, but he wasn't ready for that. It was too big of a step, too much of a stretch. To care for someone would be to deny everything he had worked his whole life to become.  
His feet stopped abruptly as he heard quiet voices coming from Trowa and Quatre's room. Heero had passed Trowa coming in, and Wufei had left at dawn to go and do... whatever it was he went and did, so the two people in there had to be Quatre and Duo. Heero despised eavesdropping, but he heard his name through the door and he paused, listening reflexively,  
"What about Heero, Duo?"  
"What about him?" Duo's voice sounded strained.  
"Does he know about this?"  
"Why should he? It's my decision, not his."  
"Still... don't you think you should discuss it with him?"  
"Quatre... I just don't see why he needs to know."  
"Well, you're sleeping with each other, aren't you? He needs to know, Duo!"  
Duo spluttered for a moment,  
"Qu-Qu-Quatre... how... did you know that?"  
In the silence, Heero could almost *hear* Quatre blush,  
"Well... I... um... that is... it'seasiertoseewhenyou'vebeenthereyourselfyouknow..."  
Duo burst into sudden laughter,  
"I knew it! I *knew* you and Trowa weren't just buddies!"  
Quatre cleared his throat,  
"Well... ah... we weren't talking about me, now were we? We were talking about you."  
"Do you really think Heero would even care, Quatre? He doesn't really love me- he shouldn't care who do and do not sleep with."  
Heero felt a strange sinking feeling in his stomach. Duo was sleeping with someone else?  
"Well... do you love her Duo?"  
"I think so. I don't know. Maybe. But I don't want to tell her, all the same."  
"You need to tell her, if you're sure about your feelings. Staying in a romantical limbo doesn't do anyone any good," Heero could hear Quatre's smile in his voice, " believe me, I know."  
"Yes... I know I have to. It just... it's such a big decision, you know?"  
"I know..."  
Heero tore himself away from the door and all but ran down the hallway. Duo was in love with someone else! He felt oddly sick. He made it to his bed before his legs gave out from under him. His bed... Duo and his bed. He closed his eyes as if wincing. And to think that he had been foolish enough to believe that Duo had really meant it when he had said he loved Heero! To think that he was almost stupid enough to return that feeling! And all along, all Heero had been was some kind of toy for Duo to play with. Not that Heero really cared about being a toy. All of his life he had been used in one way or another and this was certainly the most pleasant of those ways. Being a toy did not really bother him, at least toys know their owners care for them in some way. What bothered him was that Duo lied to him, led him on in the most horrible way possible. Duo had made him believe that maybe he did have a heart under all of the layers of ice beneath his flesh, and just when Heero was starting to believe it himself, Duo proved that being icy was the best way to be- the only was to survive. At least ice couldn't bleed.  
  
_This is not helping me at all.  
What are we doing here?  
In the name of God and love,  
It's the distribution of fear._  
  
Heero rose from the bed and crossed to the computer. He absently saw that there was a message stating that they were all supposed to "lie low" for a while until the havoc their last mission had caused blew over. Heero scowled, his mood turning blacker. He would *not* "lie low"! Not now. Not after Duo's unexpected betrayal. He needed to get out, at least for a while. Maybe he could find something to soothe him ... or something to utterly destroy...  
The door slammed shut behind him a moment after his decision was made, and he was soon wandering the streets. For a while, the cool air and the bustle of people *did* remove his mind from it's pensive musings, but soon, it became apparent that he was being followed, and followed by someone who was not very good at following, no less. He paused at a store window, pretending to peer inside, but he really couldn't be less interested in what they had for sale. He was looking back behind him. Across the street was a *very* familiar face.  
Relena!  
Heero sighed. He probably could have predicted that. Did that girl ever give up? And then, a sudden thought. At least she cared. She was definitely sincere. After all, only someone who really wanted him would chase him all over the bloody planet, despite her own safety and the safety of others. He suspected she might be the real reason they were "lying low". She would stop at nothing to make him hers. So why did he bother with fighting her? She didn't really love him, she couldn't possibly, they'd barely even met. He would be a toy for her to play with, an amusing, somewhat handsome, excitingly dangerous diversion from her routine. But could he really deny her that, when he had given so much to someone who didn't care? At least she cared.  
Heero took a deep breath and made his decision.  
  
_Pyramids, healing wines, analysts and fame.  
I haven't got your degree  
And I forgot your name.  
  
_He was across the street in a heartbeat. He could have killed her easily, she never would have seen him coming. She never thought about things like that, so blinded was she by her feelings.  
"Relena," he stated simply from right behind her. She whipped around and actually flushed a little when she saw him,  
"Oh... Heero... hello," she stood there, stunned for a moment before recovering and grabbing ahold of his arm, "Come on Heero! I want to take you out to dinner. Please say you'll come with me?" she was tugging him towards a black limousine, and for once, he didn't fight against her. He almost had to smile at her tone, it was the tone of one who expects to be denied what they want,  
"Okay."  
Relena stopped dead in her tracks,  
"What did you just say?"  
"I said 'Okay'."  
"You mean... you actually *want* to go to dinner with me?" her eyes were attempting to bug out of her head.  
"Yes," anything to not go back to that house and a lover who didn't love him.  
"Why?" the word seemed to tumble out of her mouth. It was obvious that she never really expected Heero to give in to her this easily.  
"Because if I didn't, you would end up putting the others in danger in order to placate your foolish whims."  
Relena smiled slightly,  
"Heero... I think that's the most I've ever heard you speak at one time."  
He looked into her grinning face, into the smile that actually reached her eyes, and he made another decision with icy cold precision.  
"I usually prefer actions," he said as he took the sides of her face in his hands and pulled her lips up against his own. The kiss was long and deep, and it was Relena that pulled away, blinking rapidly. It only took her a moment to recover from the shock however, and then she was kissing him again, and again.   
  
_Pick me up and set me on the ground.  
Set me up and spin me all around.  
You are not the one.  
You are not the one.  
No sir...  
  
_Heero closed his eyes and kept them closed, trying not to imagine his hand curled into a soft brown braid, trying not to imagine wide, blue-purple eyes staring into his own. Duo didn't care, he had never cared... and Relena did.  
He felt her tongue slide rather boldly into his mouth, and he let her, preferring to let her do whatever she wished with him now that she had him. He just wasn't the type of person to be lazily seductive, which Relena was managing to be with only a small degree of difficulty.  
Or like Duo was automatically.  
His mind shied away from that. Why did his mind keep bringing him up? The bastard didn't care about Heero, why should Heero care about him?   
Relena's body pressed rather insistently against his and he encouraged the movement, molding one hand to the curve of her lower back, the other against the back of her neck. They spent a few moments like that, heedless of who saw them, before Relena pulled away again, struggling for breath,  
"Heero... Heero what's gotten into you? I mean, you never... you're always..." she brought one hand up to rest on his chest, idly tracing patterns there, "not that I mind... I just don't understand..."  
"Do you have to?"   
She looked up at him quickly, surprised by the question. Her brow furrowed for a moment, but then she shook her head,  
"No. No, I guess I don't," she cleared her throat suddenly, "I... um... that is... wouldyouliketomaybehavedinneratmyhouseinsteadofatarestraunt?"  
Heero came very close to laughing. That was possibly the worst way he had ever heard for someone to ask someone else to bed, which was surely what her intention was. His only response was to raise an eyebrow slightly, but when she pulled him toward the car again, he followed her without resistance.  
"Driver. My residence here..."  
  
_This is not helping me at all,  
Where did we get this plan?  
That you would give to me  
What I might already have?  
  
_They stood at the door to her house in this town and she tugged lightly on his hand to lead him in. For the first time, Heero resisted. There was something he had to know,  
"Relena..."  
"Heero?"  
"Relena... What if I get a mission tomorrow? What if I change my mind?"  
Her brow furrowed once more. If she was to be his jailer, he wanted to know just what it would take to break free of the prison, before he accepted the mission. Finally, she spoke,  
"If you have to go, you'll have to go, I suppose. At least I'll have one night..."  
She pulled on his hand again, and this time, he didn't stop her from pulling him inside. The doors slammed shut behind him, sealing his fate, and talk of dinner was soon forgotten.  
  
_Pyramids, healing wines, analysts and fame.  
I volunteered you my eyes  
In place of facing me.  
  
_Heero woke in the usual tangle of limbs, but something about this morning was different... _wrong_ somehow. He wasn't quite as cozy, or as safe.   
His eyes cracked open and regarded Relena, who was still asleep. Relena... his memories oozed back into his head. He remembered last night, how he had lost all of his pain and misery in her, and how he had choked back another's name, even as she had cried out his. He'd finally managed to choke her name out of protesting lips, but it had sounded wrong to him, strangely sinful. Funny, Duo's name had never sounded like that, and technically, what Duo and he were doing was wrong, and what he and Relena had done was only natural.  
Relena's eyes fluttered open and she smiled slightly,  
"You're still here. I didn't think you'd be here, somehow..."  
Heero just shut his eyes. Let her interpret his silence however she wanted.   
  
_Pick me up and put me on the ground.  
Set me up and spin me all around.  
You are not the one.  
You are not the one  
I wish to see..._  
  
A little over a year later, in a different city...  
  
"Hey! Heero!"  
Heero had gone out for a walk. After the last few missions- all of which had been solo- he was beginning to feel more and more restless. He was sure Relena could tell, but she didn't seem to be complaining. Maybe she was still in shock that he stayed with her at all. Or maybe she had finally realized how much she owned him- at least the physical part of him. Either way, she seemed happy, and he supposed that was all that really mattered. After all, she was the only person who had ever given a damn.  
"Heero! Heero!"  
Irritated at being interrupted, Heero whirled around,  
"What is it!" he blinked, "Oh. Hello Hilde."  
"Hi! Wow, I didn't expect to find you here. How's Duo doing these days? I haven't seen him in a year or so."  
Duo? Why on Earth would she ask him about Duo?  
"I... haven't seen him lately, Hilde."  
Hilde looked utterly shocked,  
"Did you two have a fight or something?" the way she said "you two" it was obvious she meant them as a couple. How the hell could she have known they had been like that? They'd been very discreet...  
"No... and why do you say it like that?"  
Hilde's brow furrowed,  
"Heero... how long has it been since you last saw Duo?"  
"About a year ago, why?"  
There was a long, haunting moment of silence. When Hilde finally spoke again, it was very, very softly,  
"Heero... either you are a total and complete bastard, or something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. And from the look on your face, I'd guess the latter. Very well then..." she paused, almost as if to collect her strength, "About a year ago, maybe a little longer, Duo called me and said that we needed to talk. I met him at a little cafe and he poured his heart out to me, which was very unusual. He told me that he thought he might be in love with me."  
So she was the one Duo had been talking about! Heero tried to keep what could only be called an irrational jealous rage from overwhelming him.  
"And..." she continued, "he said that he thought that I might feel the same. He was right. I had cared for him as more than a friend for some time," he voice softened further, until Heero was almost leaning forward to catch her words, "But that's not all he said to me. He said that he was sorry for all that that feeling might have put me through, because he couldn't be with me," she looked sadly at Heero, "You see, there was someone else he cared for more."  
Heero felt his eyes widening, and he had a feeling that he might be going into shock.  
"He left, and I haven't seen him again. He said that he was heading back to you, and that I should never talk to anyone about it, especially you. He didn't want you to know what he had done. I take it you never saw him after that?"  
"No," Heero forced out. His lips felt oddly numb, his brain fuzzy. Distantly, he heard himself say the words, "Hilde... I think I've made a terrible mistake..."  
And then he turned around and walked off.  
  
_Oh you were in a robe of truth.  
My emptiness has built your altar,  
And I worshipped myself in you forever  
Until now._  
  
Like an automaton, he walked downstairs to the breakfast table,  
"Relena..."  
She looked up from her paper,  
"Yes, Heero? What is it?"  
Like a robot, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, his eyes vacant,  
"Good-bye Relena."  
And he was gone. Relena stared at the door a moment in shock before racing to it,  
"Wait!! Heero! Wait!!"  
She sighed softly. Why was she not surprised. Her lips curved slowly into a grin. He'd been hers once, and he'd be hers again, whether he knew it or not. She'd worn him down by sheer persistence before, obviously, and she could easily do it again,  
"You'll be mine again, Heero. It's only a matter of time..."  
  
_Pick me up and put me on the ground.  
Set me up and spin me all around.  
You are not the one.  
You are not the one...  
  
_Heero kicked the motorcycle and it sped off into the distance. Duo could be anywhere, there was no way to find him by randomly searching. However, there was one person who might know where he had gone. And if he didn't, he could easily find someone who could.  
Heero hated the desert, and he hated having to ask for help, but sometimes it was worth doing something you hated to regain someone you loved.  
_Quatre... please be home... Please help me find Duo...  
  
  
Pick me up and put me on the ground.  
Set me up and spin me all around.  
You are not the one.  
You are not the one.  
You are not the one  
I wish to see._


End file.
